Georgy Girl

Don’t be so scared of changing
And rearranging yourself
It’s time for jumping down from the shelf
A little bit

Georgy Girl by The Seekers

Yes, I really do have a very diverse taste in music. I love everything from Mozart to Metallica, and almost everything in between, save Gantsa rap and death metal. That wasn’t always the case, but as I’ve matured and shrugged off my home and upbringing my horizons have greatly broadened.

Warren has been out about a month, so far so good. At least it seems that way. I haven’t seen any signs that he is using. He’s spending like has a money machine, but he always appears sober when he is around me. He has plans to move, there is a great opportunity for him if he doesn’t blow it. He is happy, but also more than a bit apprehensive as it is three hours away and he has only ever lived in Fargo. It should be really good for him,

Fargo is bad news for some people and he is one of them. I have good friends who don’t try to lead me astray, and I tend to keep to myself anyway. Most of Warren’s friends are no good for him or anybody else. All they do is lead him to make shitty choices.

Crossing fingers that this new chapter is the one that he needs. He’s 28 years old, he still has plenty of time to clean up his act.

His cancer isn’t getting much better. He refuses to undergo any treatment as he doesn’t want to live with the side effects. Which I can understand. But I wish he would look into all of his options. He’s had at least two incidents that he’s told me about where he’s had what I can best describe as an episode. Not a stroke, but stroke like symptoms. I’ve tried as much as my mouth is able to get him to seek help, but he’s stubborn like his parents

. I’m just grateful he is considering rehab. He is doing it as a means of impressing his parole officer, but I’m hoping it will still help him.

Correlation may not equal causation, bur I am convinced that the Saffron extract is kicking in as the anxiety seems to be going way down and my mood seems to be going up, not too up but good up. Or it could just be my bi in bipolar kicking in. What ever it is, I’ll take it. I’m tired of being a giant lump.

I’ve subscribed to Hello Fresh and aside from some similarities between some of the boxes and fewer choices for vegetarians they seem to have some really good meals. I plan to give it another month before I decide if I want to keep it. I like having the premeasured and recipe ready meals that I can make myself from real food and not instant in a box junk food. I’m finally eating decent again, at least most of the time. I sound like an ad, but they can be a lifesaver for some of us, though I wish the price was a little lower. Convenience ain’t free, and the ingredients are all top of the line.

Aside from a ton of trash that needs to be hauled away and Warren’s stubbornness , for once there is a lack of suckage at the house of Les Chat..

Dem Bones

The leg bone’s connected to the knee bone,
The knee bone’s connected to the thigh bone,
The thigh bone’s connected to the hip bone,
Now shake dem skeleton bones!

It’s all set. My surgery is on the 19th. I take my pre-op class tomorrow. Warren is supposed to be my coach and he says he is going to be there for me. I know he wants to be there, but I also know he is struggling with himself right now. He wants he own vehicles as I don’t want to share with him, for obvious reasons.

He’s a grown man, so I have to let go, but I can’t help but worry. He seems to be trying, but it hasn’t even been a week. I’ve worried about him so many years, I can’t turn it off. Sooner or later, I need to let go. This just isn’t healthy. I’m not Norma Bates, but I am definitely too involved in his life.

July 24th 2021

I can’t believe it has been so long since I made an entry here. I had my surgery, but on a different date due to an upper respiratory infection. I went in on the 3rd. It was a difficult three weeks right after the surgery, but I am back and better, although stairs are still challenge. I have 14 of them to get to my duplex, so my knee is getting lots of working out. I am glad I had the surgery. I can now stand long enough to shop and wait in line without needing to sit down.

I am so blessed with decent insurance at work. They paid for most of it, without them I wouldn’t have been able to have the surgery as the bill was in excess of $50K. I still owe a hefty, but manageable chunk. God Bless the USA, she says with more than a tinge of sarcasm. How many people need surgeries, but can’t afford it because of out fucked up medical system? Too many that’s the sad answer.

In other good news, we got mom’s condo sold. It was too easy the first person to look at it, put in an offer of $20K more than we were asking, so we snatched it before they could change their minds. Packing it up was a nightmare due to my knee and Warren getting in trouble again, due to the stupidity of a friend, or so he says. It cost me a bundle but I got it packed up and moved in to storage. I want some of those things, but I need a vehicle to haul them in and somebody to carry them up the stairs. They won’t fit in my Jeep, There is also way too much stuff for me to keep it all. I will eventually have to go thru the boxes, as we were in too much of a hurry to sort and giveaway/sell anything.

I also have a new to me vehicle, at 2012 Jeep Compass. The story behind it is an entry for another time, but it is a cool vehicle. The 4 wheel drive will be handy this winter.

I finally found a combination of meds, supplements and diet that seem to work for my depression and anxiety. I am so grateful I get an employee discount as I need it.

Warren is seeking treatment for his cancer and getting more opinions. We may be making a trip to Mayo, but right now it is just one day at a time. He seems to be doing good,, as least as far as he lets me know. I am just grateful for the good things that are happening.

There is a lot more going on, but I have had too many bad news, whine about life entries. I need some positives right now.

Bitch

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

Meredith Brooks

Brain drips

Got my teeth pulled to get ready for dentures. Oddly, I’ve had no pain. I have taken one and that was the day of the surgery. The only part that hurt was paying the two grand that it cost.

Life has been pretty boring which is a nice change of pace. My biggest excitement were burst pipes in the basement at 1:30 am. On my way down to shut off the water I managed to miss the bottom two steps and fall on my hands and knees leaving a nice bruise on my left knee that now hates me. Lightbulbs burn out on the regular here. The house was built in 1908, I have no idea how old the wiring is. At least the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom are mostly immune.

It turns out that the pipes managed to freeze. I never thought of it as being that cold down there. But aside from a couple inches of water to clean up there was no damage. Which is good as that basement is straight out of a slasher flick. I hate going down to that place.

Finally found a drug cocktail that works and now my hands have weird tremors. It’s not all the time, but often enough to keep my life interesting, I can keep it under control if I think hard about it. But it makes everyday things more difficult. I fed the cats this morning and managed to fling chicken everywhere. Luckily I can keep steady when I am holding things like a steering wheel so I can drive. It’s not all the time just sometimes and when I do certain things. Sadly. typing appears to be one of them

My son the lovable imp that he is, managed to get himself thrown in solitary for arguing with the guard over his cream. His version makes it look like he did nothing wrong. I have a feeling the true story is a little more complex. He has a slight habit of not telling the whole story. He is his father’s son. So for 15 days I only get to talk to him once a day. Normally they have a texter which is just a modified iPad. I actually miss talking to him, even when we would politics. The kid has brains, he is a bit arrogant at times, but he has potential to make something of himself.

I’m hoping he keeps his word, but I am also prepared for the worst as I’m used to it.

https://youtu.be/zIAku-Qwfl0

Under Pressure

Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor
These are the days it never rains but it pours

Queen / David Bowie

2020 has not been a good year. It is by far not the worst year of my life that would be 1996, the year my Dad passed. 2020 does make the big 5 or 6. First (in chronological order) is 1992- the year I got pregnant, 1997- the first year I left Mike and lived at the YWCA for two weeks, 2012- the year Mike passed, 2019- the year I was hospitalized. There are other bad years in there that I have blanked on events of, and ones where everything blends and I don’t know what happened in what year. 2020 had some bad personal events, but is more so bad on a national and global scale. Compared to many my year wasn’t that bad. But compared to my bad years it definitely ranks in more ways than one.

Personal highlights of this year include Warren returning to prison yet again, my being in a partial hospitalization program (that did help), my anxiety developing anxiety for no reason. My mom’s health has slightly declined and she is showing her age. She is also now the last surviving sibling of 13 kids, I suffered some financial setbacks that are a whole other entry I’m not sure I want to make. I will however say that nursing homes are insanely expensive. There is a lot more, but I don’t want to go there.

The good things of this year, are Trump losing the election, getting a semi promotion at work for which I better get a raise. It is work I prefer over my current work (right now it is just an added responsibility). , and Warren agreeing to a treatment program, even though I get to pay for it because he’s in MN.

“[I’m] a human who’s had her fair share of challenging and unhappy experiences. Over time, I’ve paid attention, taken notes, and forgotten easily half of everything I’ve gone through. But I’ll rifle through the half I recall and lay it at your feet.” Carrie Fisher

Merry Bloody Xmas

Merry Xmas, to me
The dog threw up all over the xmas tree
They re-posessed
My color TV
Merry Xmas, to me

Irish Rovers

Taken circa 1979

It was the worst day of my life. It was 24 years ago, way back in 1996, but I remember it like I remember last week. Actually I remember it better as my brain is lousy with remembering the mundane.

I was working 2 jobs and Warren was in daycare as he was too young for public school and I didn’t have the money for preschool. It stared like any other day. I got up, had my daily blow out with Mike, got Warren ready and dropped him off at daycare. On my way to my first job, I was listening to the radio. One thing I have forgotten is what song was playing on the radio, but I remember it was a happy song as I was bopping along, when all of a sudden I started just crying like I was at a funeral. I had no idea why, but something just hit me.

managed to shake it off and get to work, but something just felt off. A couple hours after I started, it came. The worst call of my life, the end of life as I knew it. My mom was so upset she couldn’t speak clearly, that was my first clue that my world was about to reverse orbit

Finally the chaplain got on the line and informed me that my father passed away after a massive coronary.

Just two days earlier on December 14, his 65th birthday, I had been talking to him like any other day that happened to be his birthday. I am forever grateful that I was able to say “I love you”. Now he was gone forever, no warning no time to say goodbye, no time to prepare. Just one moment I was a frazzled mom of a three year old, the next I was half an orphan.

The rest of the week, I don’t remember as well. I remember sitting at my daycare lady’s house for the afternoon getting my bearings, I remember fighting with Mike. I remember getting on the train at 3 am with Warren. I remember trying to shop for funeral clothes but falling apart when nobody came to help me. I remember Warren picking out a Tweety Bird shirt to cheer me up, thinking it would be good for a funeral.

The rest I’ve blocked out. It’s been twenty four years of life with out the world’s greatest dad, twenty four years of memories my son will never have. Twenty four years since I’ve cared about Christmas or the month of December at all. Merry Bloody Xmas to me.